WHY DID I STAY

 I divorced my abuser after 48 years. Why didn't I leave sooner? Why did I stay so long? I didn't want to disappoint my parents; I'd made my bed now I needed to lie in it. I had children and grandchildren and felt responsible for setting a good example. That was my last barrier to leaving was how it would affect my grandchildren.

When my children were young, I wanted to leave him, but I didn't want my children to come from a "broken home" not realizing that it was already broken. I thought that if he was screaming at me then he wasn't screaming at them. However, I overlooked the fact that being made to witness the abuse taught unspoken lessons in how to treat others and how to allow oneself to be treated. I wanted to honor the vow I took, "til death do us part".

I stayed because I feared he'd be more dangerous if I left.

If I allow a certain level of disrespect I could stay. I wanted to maintain the illusion.

He was a rageaholic, the screaming was frequent. I loved him, he loved me, he said. He was a dominating, fault finding overlord. I thought he would change. He did, he got worse, angrier and more demanding. Was it as bad as I thought?  No, it was worse.

Stockholm Syndrome, I felt sorry for him.

His future faking, how it was going to be....it wasn't.

Bread crumbing, a bit of affection sprinkled in with the abuse.

Why did I stay? My body was saying NO. I was experiencing panic attacks, avoidant behavior, hypervigilance, bleeding ulcers. I was hyperalert and hyperaware.

Red flags don't look like red flags when they feel like home.