JOURNAL ENTRIES

 I had to fix the door, the plate needed to be adjusted as I couldn't lock the door...that left me defenseless, without a locking door between us. I was unable to relax fully, bracing against him bursting into my room with whatever my current offense and corrective lecture of the moment might be. The worse for me is the days where i am awoken from a sound sleep by shouted obscenities.

IBS strikes again... seems my stress level has again exceeded my body's ability to compensate. LOUD NOISES and HIS VOICE which is a loud noise makes me jump, my stomach knots, my body clenches- waiting for the inevitable RAGE FILLED ONSLAUGHT.

I have IBS I'm married to an IED Hmmm... an IED is one of those roadside bombs they have in Iraq, never know where they are or when. but they're gonna BLOW! That that very condition alone would have a stress inducing effect on me- I'm sure he can't imagine what is wrong with ME? He lives here too ya know he should be able to blow up whenever and where ever he wants to, HE LIVES HERE TOO YA KNOW!!!

So what do you say to a rage-aholic about their rage? (Nothing if you're smart)

Whoops he "popped a cork" what a cute euphemism for an IED to use to describe their explosions. "Whoops, I popped a cork" sounds like a kid's toy doesn't it? He's popping corks and I'm getting blown up by IEDs.

I'm noticing long standing behaviors of my own in a new light....Like when he comes in the house I go to my room (AVOIDING CONFLICT)

At night, when I get up. I tip toe out and listen cautiously, holding my breath, if he is snoring I exhale and my whole body lets down because I feel safe that he is asleep and I will be able to AVOID CONFLICT, then I feel relaxed. If he gets up, I tense and retreat.

Often, driving home ( I would like to look forward to coming home), but honestly, often and for a few years, on the way home I will go 10 miles per hour, not even pushing on the gas because it takes longer to get there and I am filled with dread and anxiety. It takes abour 30- 40 minutes to go home that way, or I'll pull over, turn off the car and just sit for as long as I can prolong my return to CONFLICT. I drive into the driveway and hope one of his friends are there because that changes everything and he's not going to attack. If not, I look for clues, is he inside? outside? garage? the grounds? on the computer? I access the safety of my entrance- will he attack when I enter?If he is laughing at the computer, I relax. If he is standing there and waiting to pounce, I tense and brace, I agree to whatever it is I've done wrong- the lecture is usually 5- 10 minutes. I go to my room as soon as I am able. 

I started referring to him as Johnny Conflict as that was an appropriate handle for his very changeable and unpredictable presence in my life. I learned many things from him, how to pee silently at night without making a sound so as not to wake Johnny Conflict, I learned how to sneak into the kitchen at night and get a snack without waking Johnny to avoid conflict. 

Amazing how he is able to present his false self to others, he seems so wonderful and kind and all things great, except he's not! he's an angry narcissist who will put on a show of wonderfullness to others when his dishonesty and hatred is simmering just beneath the surface. You think he's great now? Just wait till Johnny Conflict shows up! That is the real person behind the mask. BEWARE!

On our 45th anniversary I called the Domestic Abuse Hotline. 1-800-799-7233. They were very helpful. 

He Loves me SOOOO much I am wonderful and beautiful he says until Johnny Conflict shows up, then I am worthless and the disdain and hatred is palpable.

So, I have PTSD from this tip toeing around in the dark, holding my breath, trying to avoid Johnny Conflict and his rage filled onslaughts.

It took me 6 years to choose to divorce Johnny. I knew I would never have peace in a life with Johnny Conflict and I chose to leave a 48 year marriage because he was unable and unwilling to change.

And now I can look forward to a peaceful life without the daily conflict ....