2019 His brother died. Funeral was three days ago. Brother's wife said some wonderful things about him and how generous he was with his time with others, helping them. 

How nice, she had such nice things to say about her husband. 

Got me thinking, if God forbid I would be in a similiar situation how pressed I would be to come up with what to say nice about him.

He planted 175,000 trees in his lifetime. He fathered 3 children with me, his wife. 

I learned a lot from him- how to sneak quietly around the house in the night, not making a sound as I got a snack or used the bathroom. I learned how to pee without making a soumd. I learned how to drive home without pressing on the accelerator so it would take as long as possible to arrive home to conflict awaiting.

 I learned how to wander aimlessly in stores looking at nothing trying to kill time to delay my return to conflict. 

I learned to block out screaming, abusive, demeaning verbal abuse to be able to survive.

I learned to be agreeable and hold my opinions and thoughts to myself.

I learned how to avoid conflict. 

I learned how to lie or twist truths as a self preservation tactic to avoid verbal onslaughts.

I learned how to block out unpleasant, unfortunate exchanges so I could go on with my "life".

I learned to lock my bedroom door at night to prevent him bursting into my room with screamed accusations. ( I refer to this as the rude awakening).

I learned to keep my expectations low.

I learned to overlook the future faking promises and realize them for what they were, nothing, just TALK.

I learned to have "Go Packs" and cash ready for escape.

I learned to stash cash for myself and my escapes.

I learned a lot about computers that I didn't want to, but I needed to.

I learned to be hyper alert and hyperaroused.

I learned to overlook the promises and to not believe or hold stock in the things he said as they were just that, things he said. (He is the definition of "talk is cheap").

I learned to avoid conflict.

I learned that it is okay to leave when someone is verbally abusing me.

I am learning to live my life in a way that makes ME happy.

I have learned to not get my hopes up when he speaks of future plans.

I learned that who he is, is who he is, and to not expect any long term changes.

He was my husband. Most of our marriage I was afraid of him.

I didn't feel safe or secure with him.

He loved me because I was there but continued to look for replacements for me as I was, well, distant at times, hiding out at others.

He was not a good husband or a good provider. He was not a very good father. He screamed a lot and scared us all.

We were all afraid of him a lot of the time. We all learned appeasement behaviors

He liked to work at home and that was his #1 priority in life, himself and his projects.

He was much too busy for his family.

WHY DID I STAY

 I divorced my abuser after 48 years. Why didn't I leave sooner? Why did I stay so long? I didn't want to disappoint my parents; I'd made my bed now I needed to lie in it. I had children and grandchildren and felt responsible for setting a good example. That was my last barrier to leaving was how it would affect my grandchildren.

When my children were young, I wanted to leave him, but I didn't want my children to come from a "broken home" not realizing that it was already broken. I thought that if he was screaming at me then he wasn't screaming at them. However, I overlooked the fact that being made to witness the abuse taught unspoken lessons in how to treat others and how to allow oneself to be treated. I wanted to honor the vow I took, "til death do us part".

I stayed because I feared he'd be more dangerous if I left.

If I allow a certain level of disrespect I could stay. I wanted to maintain the illusion.

He was a rageaholic, the screaming was frequent. I loved him, he loved me, he said. He was a dominating, fault finding overlord. I thought he would change. He did, he got worse, angrier and more demanding. Was it as bad as I thought?  No, it was worse.

Stockholm Syndrome, I felt sorry for him.

His future faking, how it was going to be....it wasn't.

Bread crumbing, a bit of affection sprinkled in with the abuse.

Why did I stay? My body was saying NO. I was experiencing panic attacks, avoidant behavior, hypervigilance, bleeding ulcers. I was hyperalert and hyperaware.

Red flags don't look like red flags when they feel like home.